Coachvista Blog

I’m a runner. In fact I love to run. Although I’m not a young runner. You could best describe me as a ” war horse”. So the other day while out running I began to think about all the miles I have put on, and the experiences I have had with training and running various races and events. What came to mind was; Wouldn’t it be great if there was a positive effect of prolonged training and the subsequent decrease in injuries? In other words, the longer you trained the less your chances of injuring yourself.

When I look at relationships, I think it would be great if the longer you were a couple the more impervious it would be to “injury”. Unfortunately, like training that is not the case. However, being in a relationship and running many many miles, do require you to train smart.

In a relationship that has come to span a fair amount of time, it is important to remember that you have to be conscious of it. We develop a flow with our partner. The being together has a movement and tapestry to it that has been created by each of you together over time. You move together with a synchronicity that seems almost effortless.

There is comfort in that, and reassurance. It is a mistake though to take that for granted.

Being complacent in the relationship can have disastrous consequences. You have to be aware of this living entity you have created with your partner: your relationship. It has a certain momentum that allows it to carry on, with what seems little thought to it. At the heart of it though, is a very delicate balance that needs to be nurtured and cared for. To forget it, to ignore it, to take it for granted will cause it to develop small fissures, that if ignored will grow and fragment what is there.

Be aware of what your relationship means to you. Keep it in front of you no matter how long it seems you have been in it. Oh, it does get stronger, more resilient over time, but it does not take well to being ignored or accept complacency. Like training for a marathon, you can’t believe that you can just ignore how your body feels and push it without regard to consequences. Eventually though, it will let you know, and in a not too subtle way, that such behavior does not go unpunished, and it will rebel. So too in your relationship, nurture it, take care of it, give it what it needs. Bodies like relationships need to know that their partners want only the best for them, and will do whatever they can to take care of them.

Our days are marked by beginnings and endings. For many of us they consist of rituals. What gives them meaning I believe is how we discover them and then share them.

Rituals are very important to us as individuals and members of a society. They are created and formed around events to which we wish to ascribe value or meaning. Some can have profound meaning and remain a part of our entire lives. Others we try and experience and leave behind.

For individuals forming a relationship and working at their couplehood rituals are very important. Dr. John Gottman (www.gottman.com) speaks to the power and significance of rituals and shared meaning in a relationship. They are very important to helping form and strengthen the fabric of a relationship. These shared rituals are what we develop for ourselves as a couple. They become unique to us and hold meaning and value to our special relationships.

These rituals do not have to be complicated or elaborate. They can be very simple in fact. Perhaps it is in their simplicity that their strength and meaning have such power. What is important I believe is that they are shared and consistent. The couple establishes and then practices them regularly. They can happen any time during the day. They can be almost mundane in their outward appearance to others. But for the couple they are meaningful and their day would not be complete without them. These uncomplicated little rituals are those little shared moments and events that are practiced by the couple, and it’s only they who see the meaning in them and would find a gap if they were remiss, or in the absence not having them.

For some of us the most important little rituals occur at the beginning and end of the day. We have our little ritual that we both partake in and it marks our beginning the day together. Without it our day would seem to start off on the wrong foot. Similarly, we have our ritual to end our day. The absence would make the day not feel complete.

I would invite you to look at what you and your partner do together that could become your very own personal ritual. It need not be elaborate or time consuming. It just has to be something that you share with each other, and in it you have given it meaning and intimacy. It does not have to be sexual. It can be as simple as coffee together in the morning, or as quiet as sitting holding hands in the evening. It is for each of you though, special and important, and a day with out it would be found diminished and lacking. Even now as you look at your life together, I am sure you can call to mind many mini rituals you and your special someone do together on a daily basis or weekly basis that serve to enrich your relationship. Further, if for some reason, you were no longer able to have this ritual, you would dearly miss it. The beginning and end of your day together, your bookends.

I just finished Malcolm Gladwells’s Outliers; a quick read, interesting, and one that offers some good food for thought.

I have read his other books over the years: Blink and The Tipping Point. From each I have been able to walk away with an outlook and concept that I am able to apply to the work I do. Outliers offered me the same opportunity.

Gladwell’s premises is that success (such as it is) is not just achieved through hard work, there are the components of opportunity, and circumstance that come into play, even luck. He goes on to present a myriad of examples that support his case, as varied as hockey players in Canada, to high tech gurus in California.

The gem that I took from this book was what the author said in an interview at the end (I listened to the audio book from www.audible.com). That those who appear to be true outliers are in fact not that at all. Their achievements can all be very logically accounted for and understood in the context of a rational explanation. I believe this premise can be applied to relationships as well.

When we look at some couples it seems that they are this marvelous match. They are the perfect pair hat gets along well, are happy, and are inseparable. What they are and who they are as a couple seems effortless.

The reality is, they are not this charmed pair, or outliers; rather, they are what they are through hard work, opportunity, and maybe some luck.

What makes the difference for this couple is that they are committed to the process. They are happy to give up their individual time for their partner, they make couple time. This takes effort and time. The couple has been fortunate enough to find each other, but that is just the opportunity they have been given. It is what they do with that connection, how they work at it, invest in each other and take advantage of situations to strengthen it that matters.

So when you see that couple who you think are some sort of natural occurring event, think again. Look at them through the prism that Malcolm Gladwell uses to explain other successes in our society today. I think you will see that what is there is not something that is a once in a lifetime event, rather it is an example of what can be achieved but it takes time, work, and opportunity.

Today I ran my first Half Marathon for the season. This is an annual event for charity called The Run For Reach (www.runforreach.com). It has been some years since I ran it last, and this year was the first that I did the 21Km.

What I found interesting, as I stood in the 7C morning air trying to keep warm and maintaining my focus on why the heck I was up so early to do this to myself on a Sunday morning, I noticed how many couples were together in the group. Of course running is a very collegial sport; a lot of friendships embrace the sport and support one another doing it.

What was nice to see, were actual couples quietly chatting with each other. Runners I believe by their nature are often solitary souls. The sport by its very nature is one that pits the individual against the road, or trail. At the end of the day it is just you, the road, and the clock. What results from years of focusing on mastering the road and taming the clock is a solitude that the runner experiences, eventually endures and then embraces over time. This I think is even more pronounced in long distance running such as the Marathon.

To see all these couples getting ready to pound out 21km was for me very heart warming. I know from experience that it takes time and commitment to train on your own. At times it seems to take an inordinate amount of time. For a couple, it must be even more of a commitment. Not only do you have to find the time, and energy, you have to co-ordinate it with each other. Now that takes commitment.

For a sport that seems to enforce solitude to release its bonds on the individual and allow them to embrace someone to share and train with is very affirming for me. What these couples have done is taken the time and effort to support and encourage each other so that together they can spend time together, enjoy their company and together accomplish a goal they both want.

Perhaps the solitary grip of running is just an illusion. It only makes us think it is just us against the road and the clock, when in fact it works just fine to have a partner who you spend most of your time with moving forward to your goals also running beside you. The solitude of running then is a myth. The road and the clock are more easily tamed when you have someone to share the load with.

What are the sure signs of Spring? At one time the sighting of the first Robin was proof enough. Now it seems one of the other sure signs is the release of dating and relationship advice books. The ones that caught my eye in particular were; The Man Plan: Drive Men Wild…Not Away by Whitney Casey; and Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man by Steve Harvey. Now if you are like me just the titles are enough to peak your interest to check out the New York Times Book Review, or the Amazon.com synopsis and review page on them.

What peaked my interest in these titles was not only what they had to say, but how it was said. At this point I have only managed to take a quick look at the first book mentioned above by Whitney Casey. That for me has given much food for thought.

In this case it is not so much “what’s oft been thought, but neer so well expressed” as, what has oft been said and is now repackaged. As it turns out it seems the more simplistic and list oriented the advice, the more success the reader should have. In the case of The Man Plan…, as one reviewer points out the suggestions are “many and complicated”, and goes on to point out some of the “more peculiar prescriptions”.

The point here is not go get into what is said as much as what is not. From my perspective it is simplistic to assume that following a formulaic set of guidelines will work in guiding one to establishing a connection with someone, and what is more, help it develop on a solid foundation. Some of the suggestions are quite interesting, and somewhat clever, I must admit. However, if one is to seriously take the effort to make a relationship work it involves much more. From my perspective it has as much to do with the careful insight one has to apply to oneself, the emotional intelligence that must be mustered, as well as the time an effort in working at establishing and making the relationship work.

The case for “commandments” is common, but it does not take the one looking for help far enough into themselves and into the aspects of a meaningful relationship to make the goals attainable or sustainable.

A short while ago the Globe and Mail (www.globeandmail.com) did an article under the dubious title “Hassle Free Hookups”. The article goes on to point out that there is a steady and consistent increase in the number of people joining, and using the various online dating websites. The author Zosia Bielski goes on to point out that these sites do not necessarily promise happily ever after. Although, visitors may often find that one thing they were hoping to find, that is “digital booty”.

Of the sites listed, Bielski presents them in a graphic format plotting the sites on a grid that rates these sites from “one night stands”:(www.adultspace.com; www.fling.com); to “marriage”:(www.eHarmony.com; www.chemistry.com); “raunchy”:(www.sugardaddy.com; www.lavalife.com); to “wholesome”:(www.PlanetEarthSingles.com; www.HumanitarianDating.com). Within these parameters each of the sites is placed in the area that best suits their goals, and purpose.

What struck me most about the article and the content was that this is an area in which individuals are increasingly turning to seek out a connection with someone. Of course their motives are as varied as those graphically illustrated on the grid. As the numbers of sites indicate; there are a lot of people looking to meet, connect, hookup, and establish a relationship.

In my experience as a Clinical Sexologist, and now Coach, I have come to appreciate the need in all of use to be with someone, whether it is physical, for companionship, or for a meaningful and growing relationship. Each of which are testament to our human condition.

The problems though, seem to arise, not with what is intended; rather, with the means and know-how of how to bring their goal to fruition. That is why we have developed the processes and formulas at www.coachvista.com. Working with individuals our Coaches assist them in ways to better understand themselves, their goals, and the outcomes they wish to achieve. If you don’t know where you are going it is difficult to get there.

The tremendous glut of sites offering the opportunities for individuals to meet someone is only half the equation. What is also needed is help in defining and optimizing what it is you want and developing the means of how to get there.

So you are on a business trip to Los Angles. You’re a harried, overworked business exec and you have some time to kill in LA between meetings and the return flight home. You don’t know anyone in the city, you feel like some company to help pass the time. Some one to talk to, spend a little quiet time with. What is one to do?

According to an article by Zosia Bielski at the Globle and Mail (www.globeandmail.com) you call an agency for some companionship. Not just any agency but one like Wagaami (www.wagaami.com). You don’t want sex, you just want someone to talk to, have a nice platonic time with.

This according to quotes in the article, is the death knell of intimacy. Yeah right! Give me a break. Someone once said “death was easy…comedy is hard”. Well, let me adjust that, “sex is easy…relationships are hard”. Unless this new trend has tapped into a ground swell of individuals with a fear of intimacy, I don’t think sex is dead. Nor do I think relationships are heading to the endangered list.

This trend if it is a trend, speaks more to convenience than intimacy. The individuals seeking this type of service are looking for something that is quick and easy. They are looking for some companionship, someone to spend some time with. The Japanese nightclubs offering this type of service years ago figured that out. The journeyman who frequented these establishments was either offered it as a business gift, or was seeking it on their own to ease their isolation. They had a premium on their time and energy to spend on developing and building a relationship. So, for these individuals it was take the path of least resistance, some time with an attractive partner, no strings attached.

At the end of the day we all seek someone to be with. It may be quicker to just hire someone to talk to, be with for a few hours. It may be expedient to hire someone to have sex with. That is easy. What takes time, effort and energy, is to develop and work on a relationship. Individuals who accede to the two approaches mentioned above are not necessarily avoiding intimacy. It’s just is not what they are seeking at that point in time. For the long run though, they would, I hazard to say, choose to have someone to be with whom they can be with in an intimate way. No facade, no formal arrangements, just be themselves with.

If it is just companionship that is needed, then I should open an agency in LA that lets clients hire a dog by the hour. Minimum 2 hours. No extra treats.

It’s occurred to me over the years as a woman, a therapist and as a personal and executive coach that it could very well be that it is not a man’s world after all. At least in some arenas of life, that is. I empathize with men in that I think that in the western world especially there is a definite societal expectation that men will initiate. When I talk about initiate, I mean anything from asking a women out for a drink, to dinner, to wanting a sexual encounter. Don’t men ever want to be asked first or have someone else do the initiating ? I know for a fact that they do. I often think they must get tired of being the ones to think of what to initiate, creating scenarios, making the plans and taking the risk of being rejected. They also feel they should pick up the tab after lunch or dinner or at least make the gesture to, because after all, it still is the polite thing to do in our society even today.

I think what is not fair here is that along with these societal expectations of men in personal milieus of having to initiate, is that in most cases, men have not been taught the skills of how to initiate, negotiate, and communicate really effectively in personal relationships. This is by virtue of the fact that the finer art of these skills are not natural, they are learned. That goes for all of us. So this is where men are left with the job as it were of being expected to initiate and in many cases, not taught the skills of how to go about it.

Initiating and trying to form new connections can be quite anxiety producing, because let’s face it, who wants to face the possibility of being rejected. It’s up close and personal. But it also falls under the realm of what I call “no guts, no glory” theory. If you want a chance to be with someone, you’ve got to take the risk and approach them and see if you can get together.

What I find really interesting in my work is that the level of expectation of having the male doing the initiating exists even with today’s youth, and so, not much has changed under the sun in all of these years. It tells me that we have not really evolved that much at all. I think there have been gains where women certainly do assert themselves and initiate dates and sexual relationships regularly, but most women tell me they feel more desirable if the male initiates. I get that, but I think the opposite is also true. Some men feel more desirable when women initiate dates and sexual relations.

For sure, nothing is black and white here, there are many variations as to how men and women feel about initiating or not initiating whether you are a male or female in a heterosexual relationship. It certainly gives us pause to think though, doesn’t it? You gotta give guys out there a ton of credit for all the times they step up to the plate and initiate…….I think it’s a gutsy performance no matter how cool or suave you look. But then again, that’s just me. What do you think? I’d love to hear from you.

Rosemary Gravelle is a Personal and Executive Coach with formal extensive education and training from the College of Executive Coaches providing Personal and Executive Coaching specializing in relationships and personal connections. She is a member in good standing with the International Coaching Federation, the Association of Image Consultants International, and the College of Nurses of Ontario. She also is a Board Certified Clinical Sexologist qualified by and in good standing with the Board of Examiners of the American College of Sexologists, with Certificates in Clinical Sexology, Sex Education and Erotology. Rosemary is a Regulated Healthcare provider, a Registered Nurse, holds a Masters degree in Public Health and a PhD in Human Sexuality.

Even the first couple are doing it. Going out on a date. Working on their relationship. Making time for each other. Thinking of what they can do for each other. Amazingly it’s making news.

Sunday’s New York Times “Sunday Styles” Section had an article by Jan Hoffman (www.nyt.com) talking about the President of the United States and his wife Michelle finding the time and taking the effort to have a date together. In the article Ms. Hoffman looks at the reverberations this date has caused for some couples and the media.

From my perspective everything is relative. Our relationships are as uniquely contextual as we ourselves. How we behave and express ourselves in our relationships is special to us and our situation. What is universal, is the desire to express how we feel about our partner, and to make the effort to express it.

It seems to me that the carping that followed the Obam’s night out focused on the details of it. The flight to New York, the dinner reservations, the limousine, and so on. That is irrelevant, the point is that they took the time to plan, prepare and execute the whole thing. Despite their very public schedules which are insanely busy, this couple pulled it off. What are we mere mortals to do?

My advice is to look at your relationship and use it as a platform to build upon. Look at it in the context of the time and effort you and your partner have spent to develop a strong and loving relationship. See it for what it is, a solid, stable base upon which you have built your life together. Think of it as the foundation upon which you are able to build your world around you. It is where you go to seek shelter, heal, grow strong, and most of all find love. It needs to be nurtured. It is not an inanimate object that needs some upkeep and renovation every now and then. It is a living entity, that will only grow and thrive as long as it has the care, and ingredients it needs to keep it alive. It will not sustain itself. Momentum will not keep it alive. Routine will not give it reason to live. Your relationship needs you to focus on it, help it, nurture it, and give it attention. Relationships do not come with autopilot.

Take the time to be with your partner. Go for a walk, sit and read to each other, do something that is just you and that other person you have built your life with. You have to make it happen. Even for us the fate of the free world can wait until our date is over.

The other day I got to thinking about all of the little sayings my Grandmother used to tell me and how they all turned out to be true; that they weren’t just sayings at all. Since I am in the business of relationships, the ones that go through my head the most often when I am working with people and also for guideposts in my own relationships are some of the following:

A stitch in time saves nine (She was a seamstress)
Don’t sweep stuff under the carpet
Don’t put off to tomorrow what you can do today
Work, don’t worry

Now I realize that I have spent many years and a great deal of money in graduate school via sophisticated theories, theses, models, and approaches to problems, many of which essentially boil down to these exact guidelines. They just made it sound fancier somehow.

I started to reflect on her words of wisdom, and there were many over the sixteen short years that I knew her. As I daily try to apply these words of wisdom to my interactions with individuals seeking help with personal and business relationships and as I also do my best to care for my own relationships , I continue to reflect upon the deeper meaning behind her messages.

When I distill most of what I think she was trying to convey to me and what I have translated it to mean to me in the world of relationships, it means “take care of your relationships every step of the way “in real time”. The “stitch in time saves nine” and “don’t sweep stuff under the carpet” in relationship talk means this: not if, but when things go off track in relationships (because they will), as that is only realistic, deal with it right away. Do not, I repeat, not, put it off for another time or another day. Putting off talking about upset or hurt feelings caused by someone close to you will only create distance between the two of you. It is the things that we keep from one and other that will create distance between us. This is not to say that there should not be a “time out, or a “cooling off period” until cooler heads prevail. However waiting days or weeks to deal with any upset feelings decreases the chance that the “talk” or the “stitch as it were” will ever occur.

Consider many instances of small and medium hurts left unspoken about, brushed under the carpet, or left for another day and thus not dealt with. What happens to all of this if left unattended? We all know the answer. Each one of these injuries in and of by itself standing alone as a single event may be fairly easy to recover from and get over. It is the cumulative total of all of the talks of all of the events and hurts that never got talked about that create a mountain of discontent, chronic resentment, and low grade chronic anger that results from not dealing with the “stuff” in real time.

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