The other day I got to thinking about all of the little sayings my Grandmother used to tell me and how they all turned out to be true; that they weren’t just sayings at all. Since I am in the business of relationships, the ones that go through my head the most often when I am working with people and also for guideposts in my own relationships are some of the following:

A stitch in time saves nine (She was a seamstress)
Don’t sweep stuff under the carpet
Don’t put off to tomorrow what you can do today
Work, don’t worry

Now I realize that I have spent many years and a great deal of money in graduate school via sophisticated theories, theses, models, and approaches to problems, many of which essentially boil down to these exact guidelines. They just made it sound fancier somehow.

I started to reflect on her words of wisdom, and there were many over the sixteen short years that I knew her. As I daily try to apply these words of wisdom to my interactions with individuals seeking help with personal and business relationships and as I also do my best to care for my own relationships , I continue to reflect upon the deeper meaning behind her messages.

When I distill most of what I think she was trying to convey to me and what I have translated it to mean to me in the world of relationships, it means “take care of your relationships every step of the way “in real time”. The “stitch in time saves nine” and “don’t sweep stuff under the carpet” in relationship talk means this: not if, but when things go off track in relationships (because they will), as that is only realistic, deal with it right away. Do not, I repeat, not, put it off for another time or another day. Putting off talking about upset or hurt feelings caused by someone close to you will only create distance between the two of you. It is the things that we keep from one and other that will create distance between us. This is not to say that there should not be a “time out, or a “cooling off period” until cooler heads prevail. However waiting days or weeks to deal with any upset feelings decreases the chance that the “talk” or the “stitch as it were” will ever occur.

Consider many instances of small and medium hurts left unspoken about, brushed under the carpet, or left for another day and thus not dealt with. What happens to all of this if left unattended? We all know the answer. Each one of these injuries in and of by itself standing alone as a single event may be fairly easy to recover from and get over. It is the cumulative total of all of the talks of all of the events and hurts that never got talked about that create a mountain of discontent, chronic resentment, and low grade chronic anger that results from not dealing with the “stuff” in real time.

It goes something like this. All of the single hurts go left unattended and then add up to create one big distance between the two parties until one day you hardly recognize the relationship and can’t figure out how it got this way, how it has per-mutated to this shape. You feel overwhelmed and don’t even know where to start to fix it, so, the next time a hurt, no matter how small it is happens, you don’t have the psychological energy or the will to deal with that one either. Sometimes this can be the beginning of the end of a relationship that didn’t have to deteriorate at all. This is what happens when people don’t take care of things right away.

Sure, its real uncomfortable and time consuming, and energy consuming to stop what you are doing to work through and negotiate the rough spot in the road of the relationship, even the small stuff on the path of any type of relationship. This is what living a conscious purposeful relationship and keeping it intimate is about. The alternative is not pretty.

I think most of us can identify at least one relationship in our lives where we let “stuff” slide in a relationship and didn’t speak up and deal with a situation when we should have and we no longer have that relationship anymore. So almost everyone out there knows what I am talking about. It’s happened to me and I’m not proud of it. It happens quickly and also very insidiously. Sometimes we don’t want to bring things up because we don’t want to embarrass the other person, make ourselves uncomfortable, embarrass ourselves, or just invest the time and energy. Sometimes we make an automatic assumption that the other person won’t listen and won’t co-operate and in so doing we have made up their minds for them.

What we need to realize is that we are all in this relationship stuff together. Relationships are complex. They are not tidy and you would do well to accept that stuff is going to happen. It is how and that you repair the stuff that counts that is the important thing.

Tidy, sterile relationships are not fun, they are not challenging, nor are they real. They have no texture, nor do they have complexion or depth. It is how and that we navigate through our differences that we define ourselves and the relationship. We don’t define ourselves as a couple through the smooth easy times, there is no trick to that; anybody can do that.

It is those people who consciously take care of whatever relationship they are in, on a “real time basis” that will build strong relationships on a solid foundation.

“The daylight is very cleansing”. I don’t know who I heard this from, however, I know that it is true. The dividends of an intentional relationship that is kept focused and real will make your life truly worth living. “A stitch in time saves nine”. Well, in the world of relationships, in the rich blanket that we weave of many colourful threads representing our experiences of that relationship, the vital stitch we make to repair it by communicating through our differences, will keep the garment that we so proudly clothe ourselves in woven closely together. Gramma was right all along. Let me know how it goes for you. Also, what sayings did you hear growing up that you think can be applied to keeping relationships healthy? I’d love to hear from you.

Rosemary Gravelle is a Personal and Executive Coach with formal extensive education and training from the College of Executive Coaches providing Personal and Executive Coaching specializing in relationships and personal connections. She is a member in good standing with the International Coaching Federation, the Association of Image Consultants International, and the College of Nurses of Ontario. She also is a Board Certified Clinical Sexologist qualified by and in good standing with the Board of Examiners of the American College of Sexologists, with Certificates in Clinical Sexology, Sex Education and Erotology. Rosemary is a Regulated Healthcare provider, a Registered Nurse, holds a Masters degree in Public Health and a PhD in Human Sexuality.