It’s occurred to me over the years as a woman, a therapist and as a personal and executive coach that it could very well be that it is not a man’s world after all. At least in some arenas of life, that is. I empathize with men in that I think that in the western world especially there is a definite societal expectation that men will initiate. When I talk about initiate, I mean anything from asking a women out for a drink, to dinner, to wanting a sexual encounter. Don’t men ever want to be asked first or have someone else do the initiating ? I know for a fact that they do. I often think they must get tired of being the ones to think of what to initiate, creating scenarios, making the plans and taking the risk of being rejected. They also feel they should pick up the tab after lunch or dinner or at least make the gesture to, because after all, it still is the polite thing to do in our society even today.

I think what is not fair here is that along with these societal expectations of men in personal milieus of having to initiate, is that in most cases, men have not been taught the skills of how to initiate, negotiate, and communicate really effectively in personal relationships. This is by virtue of the fact that the finer art of these skills are not natural, they are learned. That goes for all of us. So this is where men are left with the job as it were of being expected to initiate and in many cases, not taught the skills of how to go about it.

Initiating and trying to form new connections can be quite anxiety producing, because let’s face it, who wants to face the possibility of being rejected. It’s up close and personal. But it also falls under the realm of what I call “no guts, no glory” theory. If you want a chance to be with someone, you’ve got to take the risk and approach them and see if you can get together.

What I find really interesting in my work is that the level of expectation of having the male doing the initiating exists even with today’s youth, and so, not much has changed under the sun in all of these years. It tells me that we have not really evolved that much at all. I think there have been gains where women certainly do assert themselves and initiate dates and sexual relationships regularly, but most women tell me they feel more desirable if the male initiates. I get that, but I think the opposite is also true. Some men feel more desirable when women initiate dates and sexual relations.

For sure, nothing is black and white here, there are many variations as to how men and women feel about initiating or not initiating whether you are a male or female in a heterosexual relationship. It certainly gives us pause to think though, doesn’t it? You gotta give guys out there a ton of credit for all the times they step up to the plate and initiate…….I think it’s a gutsy performance no matter how cool or suave you look. But then again, that’s just me. What do you think? I’d love to hear from you.

Rosemary Gravelle is a Personal and Executive Coach with formal extensive education and training from the College of Executive Coaches providing Personal and Executive Coaching specializing in relationships and personal connections. She is a member in good standing with the International Coaching Federation, the Association of Image Consultants International, and the College of Nurses of Ontario. She also is a Board Certified Clinical Sexologist qualified by and in good standing with the Board of Examiners of the American College of Sexologists, with Certificates in Clinical Sexology, Sex Education and Erotology. Rosemary is a Regulated Healthcare provider, a Registered Nurse, holds a Masters degree in Public Health and a PhD in Human Sexuality.